Friday, December 30, 2011
Samuel L. Jackson put my 3-year-old to sleep
My 3 year old went for a walk last night at 2 am. she got up, changed her PJs and came into my room to say hi, ask for a glass of water and ask if it was wake-up time yet. Although i was very tired i decided to engage her as she was obviously wide awake. I quickly grabbed the laptop and went onto YouTube, searched for Samuel L. Jackson reading Go The Fuck To Sleep....she got the hint.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
the orgy
Another Christmas past; another back-ache for the trash man; another anxious meltdown from my darling spouse. The orgy of Christmas stuff i always promise "won't happen this year" has come again. Next year will be different, next year will be better.
Monday, December 12, 2011
assholes and morons
There is a little place i know where it is okay to be a total dickhead. You can bring your kids and let them be little dickhead chips off the dickhead block. You can stand in the way of anyone who tries to walk past because they'll do it to someone else in a few minutes too. There is a place where wandering packs of tweens drop F-bombs at will because they have lost the ability to think independently; "fuck" makes me cool, dude. Old people are bumped aside so that the dickheads can get to their destination a fraction of a nanosecond earlier. Anarchy and chaos, all in the name of the season of giving. I call this wonderful, marvelous place The Mall....and nobody is the least bit surprised.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
everyone hated the brussel sprouts
My darling wife and i recently hosted a dinner party for 6 people we don't particularly enjoy but somehow managed to get tangled up with.
A few yeas ago we were invited to go to a dinner party, and like fools we went. It was a reasonably acceptable night as far as dinner parties go. The conversation was largely driven by a 2 guys that really need to broaden their horizons. they were able to eloquently speak about soccer but little else, however, they were funny and i enjoyed the evening.
I have to assume that the other 3 couples enjoyed the conversation as well because a few weeks later we were at the another couple's home for a dinner party with the same 8 people sitting around the table.
Once again the conversation quickly...no, immediately turned to soccer. fine, no big deal, they hadn't yet gotten it out of their system. I just sat there and laughed when cued and nodded when it seemed right, a few well timed "indeeds" and nobody would ever suggest that i really could care less about "the beautiful game".
some moths passed and we landed at the third couples home for dinner party number 3; same crowd, same talk. OH MY GOD, how much could have possibly transpired in the world of soccer in the past few weeks that yet another evening would be dragged down into this pit of the sporting world equivalent to watching paint dry? Not this time my friends, the bull would have to be grabbed by the horns soon and i was just the man to do it. i jumped on the first chance i got to change the subject; The Spanish league "has anyone ever been to Spain? i would love to visit in late summer for the tomato festival" no dice, still soccer.
English premier league; ' I've been reading some of Jamie Oliver's cookbooks, isn't it interesting to see how his food revolution is working out?" nothing; did they even hear me?
I was discouraged but i had one more good try in me "did you hear the one about the blond on the airplane?"
Finally! i had their full attention! quick change the friggin subject; the state of our public schools: discuss.
it worked! i had them talking about the school system! wait a second, no the teachers aren't all gay! change the subject again, "any idea who you are voting for?" NO NO NO! the politicians aren't all gay!
At that moment i realised a terrible truth; they are only capable of talking about one thing. This is precious time robbed from my life that i can never have back, what a mess!
So this week was our turn to host the dinner party, pork chops, braised brussel sprouts and roasted potatoes; for dessert?...soccer.
This rotation has been going for a few years now; I dread every single dinner party; How did I end up here?
A few yeas ago we were invited to go to a dinner party, and like fools we went. It was a reasonably acceptable night as far as dinner parties go. The conversation was largely driven by a 2 guys that really need to broaden their horizons. they were able to eloquently speak about soccer but little else, however, they were funny and i enjoyed the evening.
I have to assume that the other 3 couples enjoyed the conversation as well because a few weeks later we were at the another couple's home for a dinner party with the same 8 people sitting around the table.
Once again the conversation quickly...no, immediately turned to soccer. fine, no big deal, they hadn't yet gotten it out of their system. I just sat there and laughed when cued and nodded when it seemed right, a few well timed "indeeds" and nobody would ever suggest that i really could care less about "the beautiful game".
some moths passed and we landed at the third couples home for dinner party number 3; same crowd, same talk. OH MY GOD, how much could have possibly transpired in the world of soccer in the past few weeks that yet another evening would be dragged down into this pit of the sporting world equivalent to watching paint dry? Not this time my friends, the bull would have to be grabbed by the horns soon and i was just the man to do it. i jumped on the first chance i got to change the subject; The Spanish league "has anyone ever been to Spain? i would love to visit in late summer for the tomato festival" no dice, still soccer.
English premier league; ' I've been reading some of Jamie Oliver's cookbooks, isn't it interesting to see how his food revolution is working out?" nothing; did they even hear me?
I was discouraged but i had one more good try in me "did you hear the one about the blond on the airplane?"
Finally! i had their full attention! quick change the friggin subject; the state of our public schools: discuss.
it worked! i had them talking about the school system! wait a second, no the teachers aren't all gay! change the subject again, "any idea who you are voting for?" NO NO NO! the politicians aren't all gay!
At that moment i realised a terrible truth; they are only capable of talking about one thing. This is precious time robbed from my life that i can never have back, what a mess!
So this week was our turn to host the dinner party, pork chops, braised brussel sprouts and roasted potatoes; for dessert?...soccer.
This rotation has been going for a few years now; I dread every single dinner party; How did I end up here?
Friday, September 9, 2011
what happened to me?
22 years ago i was sitting in class without a care in the world; well, that's not quite true. I cared about my 1978 Pontiac Grand Prix and the jet black paint-job it had just gotten. i cared about going to the fall fair because that's where the cool kids went and if i was seen there i could be mistaken for one. finally, I cared about The Smiths because Steven Patrick Morrisey spoke to me.
Life was good then, not that it's not good now but 22 years ago i understood the meaning of life at that moment in time.
1989 was the first year that my group of pals went away for the July log weekend. We drove to Sauble beach in Steve's dad's GMC cargo van. We had nowhere to stay so we parked on a dead end street in front of a pretty nice cottage and we slept in/on/under the van. We woke up the first morning and Ed's hands were covers in black grease. to this day we're not sure what happened but i suspect he gave the van a quick lube, oil and filter while we were asleep. Ed was a tool. We walked up and down the beach all day and ate salami sandwiches made on hamburger buns; a true gourmet delight. I wish someone had had enough insight to bring beer. Not much happened that weekend. we didn't know what to do, all we knew was that the cool kids went to Sauble for the weekend and if we were seen there, we might somday break into that elite little social club.
fast forward 22 years and I'm sitting in my kitchen at this unholy hour. i can't remember the last time i was willingly up this late. it's almost 10pm.
i like my kitchen. it's large and open and when the window is open i can hear my Vietnamese neighbour yelling at his wife.
My 3 kids have been in bed for a while now. i may not be too good at parenting but i know how to gt then into bed on schedule like German trains. my friends with kids are pretty impressed with how we are so careful to make sure our kids get enough rest....BULLSHIT! the sooner the little people are in bed the sooner i can have an uninterrupted conversation with my darling spouse about our finances or how long the grass is or my Saturday morning "to do" list.
22 years ago i understood life, now all i understand is that if i don't get to bed in relatively short order, I'll be a miserable SOB when my darling angels drag me, kicking and screaming, out of my warm bed tomorrow morning at 6am because they want a drink/cheerios/their bedroom door open or closed...or my personal favourite "DADDY, COME WIPE MY BUT"....for god's sake, when will they learn to clean their own frigin' asses?
Yea, life ain't so bad, i just don't know how i ended up here.
Life was good then, not that it's not good now but 22 years ago i understood the meaning of life at that moment in time.
1989 was the first year that my group of pals went away for the July log weekend. We drove to Sauble beach in Steve's dad's GMC cargo van. We had nowhere to stay so we parked on a dead end street in front of a pretty nice cottage and we slept in/on/under the van. We woke up the first morning and Ed's hands were covers in black grease. to this day we're not sure what happened but i suspect he gave the van a quick lube, oil and filter while we were asleep. Ed was a tool. We walked up and down the beach all day and ate salami sandwiches made on hamburger buns; a true gourmet delight. I wish someone had had enough insight to bring beer. Not much happened that weekend. we didn't know what to do, all we knew was that the cool kids went to Sauble for the weekend and if we were seen there, we might somday break into that elite little social club.
fast forward 22 years and I'm sitting in my kitchen at this unholy hour. i can't remember the last time i was willingly up this late. it's almost 10pm.
i like my kitchen. it's large and open and when the window is open i can hear my Vietnamese neighbour yelling at his wife.
My 3 kids have been in bed for a while now. i may not be too good at parenting but i know how to gt then into bed on schedule like German trains. my friends with kids are pretty impressed with how we are so careful to make sure our kids get enough rest....BULLSHIT! the sooner the little people are in bed the sooner i can have an uninterrupted conversation with my darling spouse about our finances or how long the grass is or my Saturday morning "to do" list.
22 years ago i understood life, now all i understand is that if i don't get to bed in relatively short order, I'll be a miserable SOB when my darling angels drag me, kicking and screaming, out of my warm bed tomorrow morning at 6am because they want a drink/cheerios/their bedroom door open or closed...or my personal favourite "DADDY, COME WIPE MY BUT"....for god's sake, when will they learn to clean their own frigin' asses?
Yea, life ain't so bad, i just don't know how i ended up here.
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